Sunday, September 13, 1998

        It's been kind of a weird day, but nice. I stayed up until 2:30 last night, as I did Friday night, then slept in until around 10:00. It started raining some time in the middle of the morning, and it's rained all day. It's kind of a pain when it rains on the weekends, since it makes it so messy to get around, but we needed it desperately. I didn't have anyplace I particularly needed to go, so I didn't even leave the house. I spent most of the day working on the computer and talking on the phone with the guy I'm doing the site for, and it was really kind of a pleasant day. I did some laundry in between there at some point, and I painted my toenails.

        I stood and looked at all the different colors of nail polish that I have, and tried to decide whether I wanted to paint them a different color this time. I have an awfully pretty turquoise, and several more conventional colors like plum and red and even purple. I chose a bright frosted red called "Carnival," one of the Bath & Body Works colors that I love so much, and I put one coat on the toes of my right foot, but I just couldn't do it. I ended up taking it off. It's just not "me" anymore. It didn't look right. I took it off and painted them navy blue again.

        I was thinking earlier this week about things that I've changed about myself recently. A year or so ago I stopped wearing a watch, just to see if I could. I had gotten to the point where I almost panicked if I forgot to put it on in the mornings, and it felt weird all day without it. I didn't like being so dependent on knowing exactly what time it was all the time, and besides, there were clocks everywhere--clocks at work on the walls, one on my desk, the one on the computer, a clock in my car, several at home, of course.

        Obviously, there would be occasions when I would need to know what time it was, occasions when I would need to meet someone at a specific time or be somewhere at a certain time, but for the most part, it seemed like it was just adding an obsessive burden to my life. So I stopped wearing a watch. I bought a little pocketwatch-type clock--the size of a watch but without a band--and put it in my purse. That way I could always look to see what time it was if I wasn't near a clock, but I wouldn't have the constant reminder of having a watch on my arm.

        It felt strange for awhile, but after a few days I no longer missed it. And now I don't miss it at all. I carry the little watch with me if I go to lunch by myself, which is basically the only time that I need to know what time it is. I kind of like being independent of time. I'm not really, of course, with all the clocks everywhere I'm always aware of what time it is, at least generally. But now I no longer feel personally responsible for knowing the exact time. It's a small freedom.

        I try to simplify things. It's a big deal with me. I no longer carry a big purse with everything in it. I no longer wear eye make-up. I don't wear clothes that I have to iron; I seldom cook; I make few social commitments. On the other hand, I buy way too many books, not a day passes that I don't check my email a dozen times, I stay up too late and don't get enough sleep. I try to balance the fact that I don't eat well by taking lots of vitamins. I start many things that I don't finish--books, craft projects, resolutions. I have too many passions and obsessions; I keep myself spread too thin. I don't devote enough energy to any one thing. Sometimes I just touch the surface. But sometimes I dive.