An emotional day

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
~ Chinese proverb

Last night I packed a bag to take to the hospital. I don't know whether I'll even be spending the night, but I figured in case I do, and especially in case I end up spending more than one night, I'd rather have my own stuff and not either a) have to use whatever they can supply there or b) have Bob scramble around at home trying to find the things I need.

So I packed a small toiletry bag with my face soap, cleanser and moisturizer, deoderant, toothpaste and toothbrush, hairbrush, shampoo and conditioner (very doubtful I would use those, but just in case), handcream and lip balm. That went in a small carry-on bag with a couple of pairs of underwear, houseslippers, a pair of handknit socks and a robe--I went out and bought a new one at Kohl's yesterday, and it ended up only costing me $8!

All the winter stuff was on clearance; the robe had been $40, was reduced to $24, and was on sale for half the sale price, so $12. Plus I had $5.00 left on a gift card I had gotten for Christmas, so the final total was $7 and change.

It's a full length robe, light terrycloth, with a zipper all the way down the front, which I figured was the best kind to get. That way I don't have to put it on over my head, but I can close it securely and not mess with ties.

I've also got a book in the bag, and a small notebook and a couple of pens, and I'll put in a ziplock bag with the sock I'm knitting. I'm guessing the bag won't even be opened, but like I said, I feel better to have it ready to go, just in case. Bob can just leave it in the car and get it if I need it later.

I've been doing pretty well, I think, emotionally. I haven't cried or gotten terribly upset over anything, I've been fairly matter-of-fact. I'm sad, of course, and scared, and wish I didn't have to do this, but since I do, well, I've accepted it.

The instructions from the hospital said that I could have a "normal breakfast," then nothing except clear liquids the rest of the day, and nothing after midnight. Since my "normal breakfast" is a cup of yogurt, I figured I could have a little more than that, so Bob took me out to breakfast. We went to Le Peep, where I had a skillet breakfast with potatoes, cheese and eggs--two eggs, but I ended up giving Bob one of them, since it was too much for me. And I ate half of an English muffin with strawberry jam.

As we were driving to the restaurant, I was thinking about Bob and my parents having to wait so long while I was in surgery, and I suggested that Bob take them down to the cafeteria for breakfast, or maybe they would have already eaten, but maybe they might have a cup of coffee or something, that I was just trying to think of ways to fill the time, to make the wait seem not as long . . . and then I realized what I was doing, and stopped and said that I was sorry, that I was still trying to control everything even while I was unconscious, and I started crying in the car.

Bob was very patient with me, even though I'm sure he thought I was crazy. He gave me handful of tissues, and we sat in the car until I had control of myself again. While we were sitting at the table waiting to be served, I apologized and said that I guessed I might be emotional today; Bob said it was an emotional day for him, too, but before I could say anything, he said, "The Chiefs are playing today, you know."

And then I cried again, in the restaurant. Not because the Chiefs were playing, but because I was talking about a woman on one of the message boards who was having her surgery on the same day that I was, and how she had to do a whole bowel prep, and couldn't eat anything at all, not even clear liquids, and Bob got mad at me and told me to stop reading the boards, that it was only upsetting me. I started to say that it was comforting at times to read other women's stories and know that other women were going through the same things that I was, but he told me to stop, just stop.

And I started crying again. He wasn't mad at me, not really, but he gets that stern, no-nonsense voice; and I know he's probably right, anyway. But it is comforting to know that you're not the only one who ever had these feelings. I'm sure that this will all be anticlimactic on Tuesday, that I'll be wondering what all the fuss was about, but right now it's helpful to read other women's stories, to have some idea of what to expect. That's the worst part--fear of the unknown.

I took the vacation film in to Target Friday night, and we picked up the pictures today. I took the film camera instead of the digital camera because it's so much smaller, and since I wasn't taking the laptop with me, there didn't seem to be much need to have digital pictures. But I had forgotten that when Bob upgraded his computer to Win XP, it gave him a message that the scanner probably wouldn't work.

I tried it this morning, and it didn't, and when I went online to see if I could download new drivers, the manufacturer's website said that the model we have isn't compatible with XP. So, no vacation pictures until we get a new scanner. There are, however, pictures of the kitties.

As a reminder, until I'm back on my feet (so to speak), updates will be at The Bob Report.