December 19, 1997 - Not yet fording

~~Not yet fording~~

Friday, December 19, 1997, 10:30 p.m.

WillaOn Wednesday night after I had my bath and relaxed a little, I cast an i-Ching, not really asking a question, but just holding a desire to acquire some wisdom regarding my life right now. I received Hexagram 64, Wei Chi - Not yet fording:

64 - Not Yet Fording

Not Yet Fording describes your situation in terms of being on the verge of an important change. The way to deal with it is to gather your energy to make this decisive new move. You are about to launch a plan, cross the river or overcome an obstacle. The possibilities are great. Be sure your plans are in order and that you have accumulated enough energy to make the crossing without getting stuck. This is pleasing to the spirits. Through it they will give you success, effective power and the capacity to bring the situation to maturity. Don't be like the small fox that gets almost across the river and then soaks her tail in the mud of the opposite shore. That would leave you with nowhere to go and nothing to do that would help you.

WillaI'm still struggling with what to do with my life. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, although I didn't think women had those. I feel like I'm just drifting along and that I really need to make some decisions. I've decided that this coming year is the year in which I make something happen for myself, but I haven't decided just what that might be.

WillaOne thing I know that I need to do is do some writing other than this journal. The problem, of course, is time. I find that I'm able to write much more easily in the morning than late in the evening, which is generally when I try to write. For instance, right now, at about 11:45 p.m., it's a struggle to string words together. I'm not really a night person, although I force myself to be much of the time. My body rhythms are actually more attuned to going to bed earlier and getting up early. Although I would love to sleep later than I do on weekdays, it seems like most weekend days I wake up around 7:00 anyway.

WillaMy alarm goes off at 5:30 in the morning, every weekday morning, and I get up at 6:00. I suppose that if I went to bed at a decent hour, I could get up earlier, although I have a real mental problem with that. Right after I got this particular job, I remember deciding that 6:00 was the earliest I could justify, psychologically, getting up. I used to use that time to read; now I use it to answer email. I suppose I could use it to write, and answer email at night when I'm nearly brain-dead, but that might cause more problems than it would be worth.

WillaThe other thing I know I need to do is look for another job. I said to a friend the other day that I feel like this job is killing my spirit. It's a dead-end, which would be okay, really, if it was less stressful. I have so many other things going on in my life, including this web site and trying to get started with some other creative writing, that I'm not so much concerned about having a job that's challenging and fulfilling as I am about reducing my stress level. While my co-worker's suicide this week does put some things in perspective, it also points up the fact that the little things are important. Even though his reaction was extreme, and we'll never know all the factors involved, it reminds me that a lot of little, seemingly insignificant, things can add up to a major problem if they aren't resolved.

WillaIt's just that I'm beginning to feel like one of those people who always complain, but are never willing to do anything about their situation. I have so many supportive people in my life, and I know that whatever I choose to do I will have their encouragement. I just need to work on my own motivation.

WillaI'm glad that I already have an appointment with the vet in the morning to get Pyewacket's booster shots, because if we didn't already have one, I'd be taking her up there on an emergency basis.

WillaShe didn't meet me at the door when I came home from work like she usually does, and when she didn't show herself even after I had hung up my coat and flipped through the mail and gone to the bathroom, I went to the stairs and called her. No Pye. So I walked upstairs and she was at the top of the staircase. I assumed she had been sleeping and hadn't quite woken up yet, so I picked her up and brought her back downstairs, where we sat in my chair and cuddled for a few minutes. Then Bob came home. He was in the kitchen, and Pye jumped down off of my lap, then sat on the floor next to my chair.

WillaThere was something weird about the way she landed, so I asked Bob to call her over to him so I could see her walk. There was definitely something weird. She was limping, walking on three feet, keeping her right front paw off the ground.

WillaWe looked at her, and felt her leg and paw, but there wasn't anything obviously wrong. She must have jumped down off of something and hit too hard, and probably sprained her leg, although I suppose it could be broken. She doesn't seem to be in any pain if she doesn't put any weight on it, though. She's been hobbling around tonight, looking like a poor pitiful little thing. She probably jumped off the sink in the bathroom; it's too high for her to jump up on directly, so she jumps onto the toilet lid first, then to the sink. But she doesn't consistently remember to go down that way, too, and she sort of dives off head-first. It's probably lucky she landed on her foot and not her head.

WillaI laid down for a little while tonight, and when I woke up, she was curled up in the chair next to the bed. I think this is the first time she's slept there; Doña, of course, spent almost all of her time there. It was funny to see Pye there. She's stayed up there all evening, much subdued.

WillaBob said we ought to call John and tell him we need a new cat, that this one is damaged.

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