Giving . . . and receiving

Sleeping Goddess

It's December, the holiday season, the gift-giving season. We start to think about making Christmas lists, both lists of what we want, and lists of what we want to give to our family and friends.

We give in many ways, especially at this time of year. We give material gifts, and gifts of our time, and gifts of our heart, which are, to me, the most valuable gifts of all. I've received a lot of gifts over the years, but I really don't remember the material gifts as well as I remember the times that someone shared a confidence with me, or asked me for my advice about something that was bothering them, or took the time to show me how to do something. Those are the meaningful gifts, the gifts of trust and friendship.

At Christmas we try, of course, to get the perfect gift for everyone on our list. We agonize over the right size or the right color. Those of us without children try to determine what exactly the toy of the moment is. We try to think of what to get for our parents, who seem to have everything that they need, or want. We try to decide whether to give gifts to friends on the basis of whether or not we think they'll give gifts to us. And it's important, of course. We don't want to give things that people don't want, or don't need, and we don't want to put our friends on the spot by giving them gifts when they didn't intend to buy them for us, but most of the time we spend too much energy trying to figure it out, and trying to find "it" once we do.

We need to learn how to give without expectation. If we feel like giving someone a gift, we should do it, and not worry about whether they're going to give us one or not. They key is to release our expectations of return. And to learn to receive, as well as give, graciously. I used to buy several small "generic" gifts to keep on hand in case someone gave me something that I wasn't expecting. I realize that many of the etiquette mavens recommend this, but I think it creates needless anxiety. I've finally gotten to the place where I can receive a gift from someone and thank them sincerely, and not worry if I didn't get something for them. If they expected something from me, then they obviously have a different idea of our relationship than I have, and it's probably just as well to let them figure that out, rather than pull out a candleholder or mug and let them think I chose it just for them.

It's mostly about honesty, I think. Being honest enough to say, "I care about you, and I bought this gift for you, and it doesn't matter whether or not you got something for me." Or to say that you can't afford to buy anything right now, but that you will give the gift of yourself: a promise to do a personal task like wash the car or babysit; grocery shop for an elderly person, "listen to you as long as you want on the phone." The best gifts are the ones that come from the heart.

And gifts don't really matter, anyway. Who of us really needs another pair of socks or a tie or a coffee mug with reindeer on it? Once we're past childhood, it really is the thought that counts. Just going out to lunch with a friend and spending the hour talking is gift enough, without exchanging gifts at all. But still, the fact that a friend thought enough of you to choose some small thing, wrap it, and present it, has meaning beyond the value of the gift itself.

The best gift is love, and if we give that, material presents are superfluous.