Allow Yourself to be Vulnerable

Hearts are there to be broken, and I say that because that seems to be just part of what happens with hearts. I mean, mine has been broken so many times that I have lost count. But it just seems to be broken open more and more and more, and it just gets bigger.
~ Alice Walker

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As I was thinking about what to write in this space this month, I kept coming back to the topic of vulnerability. This is a hard one for me. I try to maintain an air of competence, preferring to think that I can do anything, take care of anything, that I don't need anyone else's help. And as long as we don't admit that we really do need help, or ever let anyone know what we're thinking, we minimize the possibility of being hurt.

I remember once agonizing over something I wanted to say to someone, but being afraid that it would be misinterpreted. I talked to a friend about it, and she said, "I think that in the end we regret the things we don't say more than the ones we do." I've thought about that a lot, and I think it's true. If we never open our hearts, we're denying our humanity. We're saying to the universe that we can survive alone, we don't need anyone, that we're perfectly fine just the way we are. And maybe we are, on the surface. But deep down, most of us want to connect with another soul.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that make us regret opening up to others. We learn that there are certain people that it is safe to be ourselves with, and that there are others who will take advantage of any chink in our armor. That's what we learn if we're lucky. But if we've met too many of the latter kind of person, we tell ourselves that it's too risky to ever let down our guard, to ever admit that we care for someone or that we need something that we can't provide for ourselves. We decide that it's safer not to trust anyone.

What happens when you do trust someone with your heart? When you take a deep breath and tell someone what you really think, what you're afraid of, what your dreams are? You choose carefully, of course. You don't blurt out your secrets to everyone you meet. But when you trust someone enough to tell them what's in your heart, friendship grows a little deeper. Your friend confides his or her dream to you, and bit by bit, trust grows. If we never take the chance of telling someone what we truly feel, our relationships never progress beyond superficiality. What an honor it is to be entrusted with the secret dreams of another. And what a responsibility.

The first step is to be vulnerable with yourself. To admit, just to yourself at first, what you really want, what you really feel. You don't have to act on it, or tell anyone else. But if you do take a chance and tell your deepest hopes and fears to someone else, you may be surprised at the honest dialogue that results. If the person you confide in backs away, well, you take a deep breath and try again. At a different time, or with a different person. Don't let your heart become closed. Your heart may be broken a little bit, but that will just allow it to open more. To be open to other people as well as yourself. To be open to honest emotion, and the gifts that come to us when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

The sooner we become honest with ourselves, the sooner we can be honest with others. The sooner we become honest with ourselves, the most quickly we'll grow and move on to a new place. Become vulnerable, at least with yourself. Be honest about what you think and how you feel. Write it. Speak it. Feel it. Release it. Then you will know where to go, when to go. What you are to do next will emerge naturally, quietly and clearly.
~ Melody Beattie, "Journey to the Heart"